RHODES 
Bombastes  Furl  o so 


THE    MINOR    DRAMA. 
No.  XXXV 


BOMBASTES    FURIOSO, 

:2l  Burlwqtie  STragU  ©para. 


IN    ONE    ACT. 


BY  THOMAS  BARNES  RHODES. 


WITH'THB  STAGE  BUSINESSi  CAST  OF  CHARAOTBB^ 
COSTOMSS,  BELATITE  F03ITI0NS,  BTO. 


-•    »«- 


NEW    YORK: 
SAMUEL      FRENCH, 

122  Nassau  Street,  (Up  Stairs.) 


CAST  OF  CHARACTERS. 

Covint  Garden,  1830.  PaHk,   MK 

ArtmtominonM Mr.  Mathews.  Mr.  H.  Plaoido. 

Futboi "    TayJor.  "    Nickiuiion. 

BomboMtet "    LUton.  "    J.Fisher. 

J>uUiSina Mrs.  Liston.  Mrs.  Vernon. 

Attendant*,  Drummer,  Fifer,  and  two  or  three  SoldUrt  of  different  riUM 


COSTUMES. 

ARTAXOMINOUS,  King  of  Utopia.— YmW  dress,  court  suit,  powdered  wig  ' 

FUSBOS,  Minitter  of  Slate,— Tho  same. 

GENERAL  BOMBASTES.— A  general's  military  suit    Jack  boots,  comic  pov 

(Icred  wig  and  pigtail,  sword  and  sasti,  general's  liat  and  plumo.     Second  dret$. 

Morning  gown  and  slippers. 
ATTENDANTS.— Full  dress  court  suits- 
ARMY. — A  long   drummer,  a  short  fifer,  and  two  or  three  soldiers  of  diSerMt 

dimensions,  all  dressed  in  caricaturo. 
DISTAFFlNA.— Colored  chintz  gown,  open  in  front,  crimson  balimanco  petticMl 

while  muslin  aoron,  mob-cap,  white  muslin  handkerchief. 


EXITS  AND  ENTRANCES. 

B.  means  Right;  L.  Left;  U.  D.  Right  Door;  L.  D.  Left  Door; 
8.  £.  Second  Entrance ;  U.  E.  Upper  Entrance ;  M.  D.  Middle  Door. 


RELATIVE  POSITIONS- 

B.  means  Right;   L.  Left;    0.  Centre;  B.  0.  Right  of  Centre t 
1.  J.  Left  of  Centre. 


UNIVERSITi^  OF  CALIFORIgU 
SANTA  BARBARA 

^7  fl^ 


EDITORIAL    INTRODUCTION. 

There  is  possibly  no  piece  of  the  kind  that  has  held  longer 
possession  of  the  Stage,  excited  more  shouts  of  laughter,  and 
been  received  with  more  approbation  "Chan  Bombastes  Furioso. 
In  that  peculiar  walk  of  the  Drama  denominated  Burlesque  it 
stands  pre-eminent.  The  language  and  incidents  abound  with 
wit,  and  what  is  technically  called  "stage  situation,"  while  there 
is  no  apparent  labor  for  effect. 

The  piece  is  a  favorite  with  the  ''dramatis  personae,"  and 
the  greatest  comedians  that  ever  lived  have  been  engaged  in  it; 
Liston,  Mathews,  Harley,  Munden,  Oxberry,  and  in  the  United 
States,  H.  Placide,  Fisher,  Hilson,  ice.  Mr.  Placide  is  the  most 
prominent  General  Bombastes  of  the  present  day,  by  whom  the 
piece  is  very  frequently  brought  forward. 

The  great  demand  for  Bombastes  Furioso,  together  with  its 
scarcity,  was  the  inducement  for  its  publication ; — it  is  printed 
from  a  rare  London  edition,  for  a  copy  of  which  we  are  indebted 
to  Mr.  D.  S.  Palmer,  of  the  Olympic  Theatre. 


BOMBASTES    FURIOSO. 


ACT    I. 

Scene  I. — Interior  of  the  Palace. 

Artaxominoub  in  his  Chair  of  State. — A  Table,  set  out 
with  bowls,  glasses,  pipes,  ifc.  —  Attendants  on  each 
side. 

TRIO. 

Am—"  Tclceli." 

\st  Ait.  What  will  your  Majesty  please  to  wear  1 
Or  blue,  green,  red,  black,  white,  or  brown  1 
2d  Att.  D'ye  choose  to  look  at  the  bill  of  fare  1 
Art.  Get  out  of  my  sight,  or  I'll  knock  you  down, 
2d  Att.  Here  is  soup,  fish,  or  goose,  or  duck,  or  fowl, 

or  pigeons,  pig,  or  hare  ; 
1st  Att.  Blue,  green,  or  red,  or  black,  white,  or  brown, 
What  will  your  Majesty,  &c. 
Art.  Get  out  of  my  eJght,  &c. 

[Exeunt  Attendants,  n.  and  L« 

Enter  Fusuos,  l.,  and  kneels  to  the  King. 

Fus.  Hail,  Artaxominous  !  ycleped  the  Great ! 
I  come,  an  humble  pillar  of  thy  state. 
Pregnant  with  news — but  ere  that  news  I  tell, 
First  let  me  hope  your  Majesty  is  well. 

Art.  Rise,  learned  Fusbos !  rise,  my  friend,  and  know. 
We  are  but  middling — that  is,  but  so  so. 

Fus.  Only  so  so  /  Oh,  monstrous,  doleful  thing! 
Is  it  the  mulligrubs  affects  the  king  1 
Or,  dropping  poisons  in  the  cup  of  joy, 
Do  the  blue  devils  your  repose  annoy  1 


BOMBASTES    FURIOSO. 


[Ac*  f 


Art.  Nor  mulligrubs,  nor  devils  blue  are  heie, 
But  yet  we  feel  ourself  a  little  queer. 

Fus.  Yes,  I  perceive  it  in  that  vacant  eye, 
The  vest  unbuttoned,  and  the  wig  awry  : 
So  sickly  cats  neglect  their  fur-attire, 
And  eit  and  mope  beside  the  kitchen  fire.  1 

Art.  Last  night,  when  undisturbed  by  state  affairs,         3 
Moist'ning  our  clay,  and  puffing  off  our  cares, 
Oft  the  replenished  goblet  did  we  drain, 
And  drank,  and  smoked,  and  smoked  and  drank  aorain; 
Such  was  the  case,  our  very  actions  such, 
Until  at  length  we  got  a  drop  too  much.  ■ 

Fus.  So,  when  some  donkey  on  the  Blackheath  roaa 
Falls,  overpowered,  beneath  his  sandy  Joad, 
The  driver's  curse  unheeded  swells  the  air. 
Since  none  can  carry  more  than  they  can  bear. 

Art.  The  sapient  Doctor  Muggins  came  in  haste, 
Who  suits  his  physic  to  his  patients'  taste  ; 
He,  knowing  well  on  what  our  heart  is  set, 
Hath  just  prescribed  "  to  take  a  morning  whet;" 
The  very  sight  each  sick'ning  pain  subdues, 
Then  sit,  my  Fusbos,  sit,  and  tell  thy  news. 

Fus.  [Sits  L.  of  table.]  Gen'ral  Bombastes,  whose  re- 
sistless force 
Alone  exceeds  by  far  a  brewer's  horse, 
Returns  victorious,  bringing  mines  of  wealth  ! 

Art.  Does  he?   by  jingo!  then  we'll  drink  his  health. 

[Drum  andjifc,  R. 

Fus.  But  hark  !  with  loud  acclaim,  the  fife  and  drum 
Announce  your  army  near;  behold,  they  come  ! 

[Drum  and  fife  again.,  r. 

Enter  Bombastes,  k.,  attended  hy  one  Drummer,  oneFifer, 
and  two  Soldiers,  all  very  materially  differing  in  size. 

Bom.  [  To  Army.]  Meet  me  this  ev'ning  at  the  Barley- 
Mow  ; 
I'll  bring  your  pay,  you  see  I'm  busy  now : 
Begone,  brave  army,  and  don't  kick  up  a  row. 

[Exeunt  Soldiers,  r. 
[To  tJie  King.]  Thrashed  are  your  foes — this  watch  and 

silken  string. 
Worn  by  their  ch  j<f,  I  as  a  trophy  bring ; 


^EN«  1  BOMBASTES    FURIOSO.  "" 

I  knocked  him  down,  then  snatched  it  from  iiis  fob ; 
"  Watch,  watch  !"  he  cried,  when  I  had  done  the  job; 
"My  watch  is  gone,"  says  he — says  I,  "Just  so; 
Stop  where  you  are — watches  were  made  to  go." 

Art.  For  which  we  make  you  Duke  of  Strombelo. 
[Bombasics  kneels — the  King  dubs  him  with  a  pipe,  om 
then  presents  the  bowl. 
From  our  own  bowl  here  drink,  my^  soldier  true  ; 
And  if  you'd  like  to  take  a  whiff  or  two, 
Ke  whose  brave  arm  hath  made  our  foes  to  crouch, 
Shall  have  a  pipe  from  this,  our  royal  pouch. 

Bom.  [Rises.]  Honors  so  great  have  all  my  toils  repaid 
My  liege,  and  Fusbos,  here's  "  Success  to  trade." 

Fus.  Well  said,  Bombastes  !  since  thy  mighty  blows 
Have  given  a  quietus  to  our  foes. 
Now  shall  our  farmers  gather  in  their  crops, 
And  busy  tradesmen  mind  their  crowded  shops  ; 
The  deadly  havoc  of  war's  hatchet  cease ; 
Now  shall  we  smoke  the  calumet  of  peace. 

Art.  I  shall  smoke  short-cut,  you  smoke  what  ycu  pleas© 

Bom.  Whate'er  your  majesty  shall  deign  to  name,    ' 
Short  cut  or  long  to  me  is  all  the  same. 

Bom.  4"  Fus.  Jn  short,  so  long  as  we  your  favors  claim, 
Short  cut  or  long  to  us  is  all  the  same. 

Art.  Thanks,  gen'rous  friends!  now  list  whilst  I  impaxt 
How  firm  you're  locked  and  bolted  in  my  heart : 
So  long  as  this  here  pouch  a  pipe  contains. 
Or  a  full  glass  in  that  there  bowl  remains, 
To  you  an  equal  portion  shall  belong; 
This  I  do  swear,  and  now — let's  have  a  song. 

Fus.  My  liege  shall  be  obeyed. 

[Advances  and  attempts  to  sing. 

Bom.  Fusbos,  give  place. 
You  know  you  haven't  got  a  singing  face  ; 
Here  nature,  smiling,  gave  the  winning  grace. 

SONG. — Bombastes. 
Air — "  Hope  told  a  flatfring  Tale." 

Hope  told  a  flattering  tale, 

Much  longer  than  my  arm, 
That  love  and  puts  of  ale, 

Isl  peace  would  keep  me  waim : 


f  BOMBASTES    FURIOSX).  [J^t  I 

Tho  flatt'rer  is  not  gone. 

She  visits  number  one  : 

In  love  I'm  nionsti-ous  deep ; 

Love !  odds  bobs,  destroys  my  deep. 

Hope  l3ld  a  flattering  tale, 

Lost  love  should  soon  grow  cool ; 

A  tub  thrown  to  a  whale,  ■ 

To  make  the  fish  a  fool :  I 

Should  DistafBna  frown,  I 

Then  love's  gone  out  of  town,  ' 

And  when  love's  dream  is  o'er,  '      J 
Then  we  wake  and  dream  no  more.               [_Exit,  1*   ^ 

[  The  King  evinces  sirons;  emotions  during  the  song,  and  at  the  co*»t 

elusion  starts  up. 

Fus.  What  ails  my  liege  ?  ah  !  why  that  look  so  sad  ? 

Art.  \  Coining  forward^  I  am  in  love !   I  scorch,  I  freeze, 
I'm  mad  ! 
Oh,  tell  me,  Fusbos,  first  and  best  of  friends, 
Y^_,  vvho  have  wisdom  at  your  fingers'  ends, 
Shall  it  be  so,  or  shall  it  not  be  so  1 
Shall  I  my  Griskinissa's  charms  forego, 
Compel  her  to  give  up  the  regal  chair. 
And  place  the  rosy  Distaffina  there  ! 
In  such  a  case,  what  course  can  I  pursue  ? 
I  love  my  Queen  and  Distaffina  too. 

Fus.  And  would  a  king  his  general  supplant  1 
I  can't  advise,  upon  my  soul  I  can't. 

Art.  So  when  two  feasts,  whereat  there's  naught  to 
pay, 
Fall  unpropitious  on  the  self-same  day 
The  anxious  Cit  each  invitation  views. 
And  ponders  which  to  take  or  which  refuse ; 
From  this  or  that  to  keep  away  is  loth. 
And  sighs  to  think  he  cannot  dine  at  both,  \Exit,  L 

Fus.  So  when  some  school-boy,  on  a  rainy  day, 
Finds  all  his  playmates  will  no  longer  stay, 
He  takes  the  hint  himself — and  walks  away.       [Exit,  R 

Scene  II. — Another  Apartment  in  the  Palace. 

Enter  Artaxominous,  l. 

Art.  I'll  seek  the  maid  I  love,  though  in  my  way 
A  dozen  gen'rals  stood  in  fierce  array  ! 


»eXKC  II.]  BCMBASTES    FURIOSO. 

Such  rosy  beauties  nature  meant  for  kings  ; 
Subjects  have  tteat  enough  to  see  such  thingSL 


SONG.  • 

Aivi— "Paddy  a  Carroll:* 

My  love  is  so  pretty, 
So  lively  and  witty, 
None  in  town  or  city 

Her  hand  would  ^grace  ! 
My  lord  of  the  woolsack, 
His  coachman  would  pull  hack. 
To  get  a  look  full  smack 

At  her  pretty  face. 
Mathematical  teachers, 
Stiff  methodist  preachers, 
And  ail  the  gay  creatures 

That  run  about  towa^ 
Great  foreign  ambassadors 
Never  can  pass  her  doors. 
But  my  Bweet  lass  deplores 

So  much  renown.    Fal  de  ril,  &c 

Though  she  drives  a  wheelbarrow, 
Through  streets  wide  and  nan'ow, 
'rue  school-boys  from  Harrow 

May  laugh  if  they  dare. 
Nor  tasteful  Grassiui, 
Nor  Bilhngtonini, 
Divine  Catal'na, 

With  her  can  compare. 
Nor  head  with  a  mitre. 
Nor  Belcher  the  fighter, 
Can  find  out  a  brighter 

Than  my  pretty  maid. 
But  my  words  are  mere  playthings, 
Neat  trim  holiday-things. 
They  cannot  half  say  things 

Enough  for  my  love.     Fa!  de  ral,  Ale 

She's  young  and  she's  tender, 
Qhe'ii  tall  and  she's  slender. 
As  straight  as  a  fender 

From  the  top  to  the  toe. 
Fyes  like  stars  glittering. 
Mouth  always  tiltering, 
Fingers  to  fit  a  ring 

■     Ne'er  were  made  so. 

•  Tkia  comic  50ng  was  not  written  by  the  author  of  the  piaMi 


10  BOMBASTES    FURIOSO.  [AcT  I 

Her  head  like  a  hoUy-bow'r, 
Cheeks  like  a  cauliHower, 
Nose  like  a  jolly  tower 

By  the  sea-side. 
Then  haste,  oh  ye  days  and  nights, 
That  I  may  taste  delights, 
And  with  church  holy  rites 

Make  her  my  bride,     fal  de  ral,  &c. 
lExit,  u 

Scene  III. — Inside  oj  a  Cottage. 

Enter  Distaffina,  n. 

Dis.  This  morn,  as  sleeping  in  my  bed  I  lay 
I  dreamt,  (and  morning  dreams  come  true,  they  say,) 
I  dreamt  a  cunning  man  my  fortune  told, 
And  soon  the  pots  and  pans  were  turned  to  gold  ! 
Then  I  lesolved  to  cut  a  mighty  dash  ; 
But,  lo  !  ere  I  could  turn  them  into  cash, 
Another  cunning  man  my  heart  betrayed. 
Stole  all  away,  and  left  my  debts  unpaid. 

^nter  Artaxominous,  l. 

And  pray,  sir,  wno  are  you,  I'd  wish  to  know  ? 

Art.  Perfection's  self,  oh,  smooth  that  angry  broV7 ! 
For  love  of  thee  I've  wandered  through  the  town, 
And  here  have  come  to  offer  half  a  crown. 

Dis.  Fellow  !  your  paltry  offer  I  despise ; 
The  great  Bombastes'  love  alone  I  prize. 

Art.  He's  but  a  Gen'ral — damsel,  I'm  a  King; 

Dis.  Oh,  sir !  that  makes  it  quite  another  thing. 

Art.  And  think  not,  maiden,  I  could  e'er  design 
A  sum  so  trifling  for  such  charms  as  thine. 
No  !  the  half  crown  that  tinged  thy  cheeks  with  red, 
And  bade  fierce  anger  o'er  thy  beauties  spread, 
Was  meant  that  thou  shouldst  share  my  throne  and  bed. 

Dis.  \Asidc\  My  dream  is  out,  and  I  shall  soon  behold 
The  pots  and  pans  all  turn  to  shining  gf5ld. 

Art.  \Puts  his  hat  down  to  kneel  on.]  Here  on  my  kneea 
(those  knees  which  ne'er  till  now 
To  man  or  maid  in  suppliatice  bent,)  I  vow 
Still  to  remain,  till  you  my  hopes  ff.iril, 
Fixed  as  the  monument  on  Fish-street  hill. 


BclNE  III.]  DOMBASTES    FURIOSO.  ll 

Dis.  [Kneels.]  And  thus  I  swear,  as  I  bestow  my  lian<4 

Aii  long  as  e'er  the  Monument  shall  stand, 

So  long  I'm  youi's — 

Art.  Ar«  then  my  wishes  crowned  1 

Dis.  La,  sir!  I'd  not  say  no  for  twenty  pound: 

Let  silly  maids  for  love  their  favors  yield, 

Rich  ones  for  me — a  kinj;  against  the  field. 


SONG. DiSTAFFINA. 

Air— "Paddy's  Wedding." 

Queen  Dido  at 
Her  palace  gate 
Sat  darning  of  her  stocking,  0 ; 
She  sung  and  drew 
The  worsted  through, 
■SVbilst  lier  foot  was  the  cradle  rocking,  O, 
(For  a  babe  she  had 
By  a  soldier  lad, 
Though  hist'ry  passes  it  over,  O;) 
"  You  tell-tale  brat, 
"I've  been  a  flat, 
"Your  daddy  has  proved  a  rover   O. 

"What  a  fool  was  I 

"To  bo  cozened  by 
"  A  fellow  without  a  penny,  0 ; 

"  When  rich  ones  came, 

"And  asked  the  same,  < 

"  For  I'd  offers  from  never  so  many,  O. 

"  But  I'll  darn  my  hose, 

"  Look  out  for  beaus, 
"And  quickly  get  a  new  lover,  O; 

"  Then  come,  lads,  como, 

*'  Love  beats  the  drum, 
"And  a  fig  for  .fineas  the  rover,  O." 

Art.  So  Orpheus  sung  of  old,  or  poets  lie, 
And  as  the  brutes  were  charmed,  e'en  so  am  I. 
Rosy-cheeked  maid,  henceforth  my  only  queen, 
Full  soon  shale  thou  in  royal  robes  be  seen ; 
And  through  my  realms  I'll  issue  this  decree, 
None  shall  appear  of  taller  growth  than  thee; 
Painters  no  otlier  face  portray — each  sign 
O'er  ale-house  hung  shall  change  its  head  for  thine. 
Poets  shall  cancel  tlieir  unpublished  lays, 
And  none  presume  to  wi'le  but  in  thy  praise. 


12  BOMBASTES   FURIOSU.  [AcT  L 

Dis.  [Produces  a  bottle  and  glass,  E.]  And  may  I  then, 
without  offending,  crave 
My  love  to  taste  of  this,  the  best  I  have  ? 

Art.  Were  it  the  vilest  liquor  upon  earth, 
Thy  touch  vrould  render  it  of  matchless  vv^orth. 
Dear  shall  the  gift  be  held  that  comes  from  you ; 
Best  proof  of  love — [Drinks.^ — 'tis  full  proof  Hodges'  toot 
Through  all  my  veins  I  feel  a  genial  glow, 
It  fires  my  soul — 

Bo7n.  [Within,  i..]  Ho,  Distaffina,  ho! 

Art.  Heard  you  that  voice  ? 

Dis.  Oh,  yes ;   'tis  what's-his-name, 
The  General ;  send  him  packing  as  he  came. 

Art.  And  is  it  he  ]  and  doth  he  hither  come  ] 
Ah,  me  !  my  guilty  conscience  strikes  me  dumb, 
Where  shall  I  go  ?  say,  whither  shall  I  fly  ? 
Hide  me,  oh,  hide  me  from  his  injured  eye  ! 

Dis.  Why,  sure,  you're  not  alarmed  at  such  a  thing! 
He's  but  a  General,  and  you're  a  King. 

[Artaxominous  secretes  himself  in  a  closet^  B. 

Enter  BoMBASTES,  L. 

Bo7n.  Loved  Distaffina !  now  by  my  scars  1  vow, 
Scars  got — I  haven't  time  to  tell  you  how ; 
By  all  the  risks,  my  fearless  heart  hath  run. 
Risks  of  all  shapes  from  bludgeon,  sword,  and  gun. 
Steel  traps,  the  patrole,  bailiff  shrewd,  and  dun; 
By  the  great  bunch  of  laurels  on  my  brow, 
Ne'er  did  thy  charms  exceed  their  present  glow ! 
Oh,  let  me  greet  thee  with  a  loving  kiss —      [Sees  thcliaU 
Hell  and  the  devil !   say  whose  hat  is  this  1 

Dis.  Why,  help  your  silly  brains,  that's  not  a  haL 

Bo7n.  No  hat? 

Dis.  Suppose  it  is,  why  what  of  that? 
A  hat  can  do  no  harm  without  a  head  ! 

Bom.  Whoe'er  it  fits,  this  hour  I  doom  him  dead; 
Alive  from  hence  the  caitiff  shall  not  stir — 

[Discovers  the  King. 
Vour  most  obedient,  Imrablc  servant,  sir. 

Art.  Oh,  General,  oh  ! 

Bom.  My  much  loved  master,  oh! 
What  means  all  this? 


feCESX  IV.]  BOMBASTES    FURIOSO.  13 

Art.  Indeed,  I  hardly  know — 

Dis.  (r.)    Vou  hardly  know  ! — a  very  pretty  joke. 
If  kingly  promises  so  soon  are  broke  ! 
lArn't  I  to  be  a  queen,  and  dress  so  fine  ? 

Art.  (l.)  I  do  repent  me  of  the  foul  design; 
^To  thee,  my  brave  Bombastes,  I  restore, 
■pure  Distaffina,  and  will  never  more 
^Through  lane  or  street  with  lawless  passion  rove, 
[But  give  to  Griskinissa  all  my  love, 

j     Bom.  (c.)  No,  no ;  I'll  love  no  more  :  let  him  who  can 
Fancy  the  maid  who  fancies  ev'ry  man. 
In  some  lone  place  I'll  find  a  gloomy  cave, 
There  my  own  hands  shall  dig  a  spacious  grave, 
Then  all  unseen  I'll  lay  me  down  and  die, 
Since  woman's  constancy  is — all  my  eye. 

TRIO. 

Air — "O/j,  lady  fair  " 

Dis.     Oh,  ciTiel  man,  where  are  you  going? 

Sad  are  my  wants,  my  rent  is  owing. 
IBom.   I  go,  I  go,  all  comfort  scorning ; 

Some  death  I'll  die  before  the  morning. 
Dis.     Heigho,  heigho,  sad  is  that  warning; 

Oh,  do  not  die  before  the  morning. 
Art.     I'll  follow  him,  all  danger  scorning; 

He  shall  not  die  before  the  morning. 
Bom.  I  go,  I  go,  &c. 
Dit.     Heigho,  heigho,  &c. 
Art.    I'll  follow  him,  &c.  [Exeunt,  L 

Scene  IV.— yl  Wood. 
Enter  FusDos. 

Fus.  This  day  is  big  with  fate;  just  as  I  set 
My  foot  across  the  threshold,  lo  !   1  met 
A  man,  whose  squint  tcrrlHlc  struck  my  view; 
Another  came,  and,  lo  !  he  squinted  too ; 
And  ere  I  reached  the  corner  of  tlie  street, 
Some  ten  short  paces,  'twas  my  lot  to  meet 
A  third  who  squinted  more — a  fourth,  and  he 
Squinted  more  vilely  than  the  other  three 


14  BOMBASTES    FURIOSO.  [AcT  1. 

Sucli  omens  met  the  eye  wlien  Caesar  fell, 
But  cautioned  him  in  vain  ;  and  who  can  tell 
Whether  those  awful  notices  of  fate 
Are  meant  for  kings,  or  ministers  of  state  ? 
For  rich  or  poor,  old,  young,  or  short  or  tall. 
The  wrestler  Love  trips  up  the  heels  of  all. 

SONG, 

Air — "  My  Lodging  is  on  the  cold  Ground^* 

My  lodging  is  in  Leather-lane, 

A  parlor  that's  next  to  the  sky ; 
'Tis  exposed  to  the  wind  and  the  rain, 

But  the  wind  and  the  rain  I  defy : 
Such  love  warms  the  coldest  of  spots, 

As  I  feel  for  Scrubinda  the  fair  ; 
Oh,  she  lives  by  the  scouring  of  pots, 
In  Dyott-street,  Bloomsbury-square. 

Oh,  was  I  a  quart,  pint,  or  gill, 

To  be  scrubbed  by  her  delicate  hands, 
Let  others  possess  what  they  will 

Of  learning,  and  houses,  and  lands  ; 
My  parlor  that's  next  to  the  sky 

I'd  quit  her  blessed  mansion  to  shwe ; 
So  happy  to  live  and  to  die 

In  Dyott-street,  Bloomsbury  square. 

And,  oh,  would  this  damsel  be  mine, 

No  other  provision  I'd  seek  ; 
On  a  look  I  could  breakfast  and  duie, 
^  And  feast  on  a  smile  for  a  week. 

But  ah  !  should  she  false-hearted  prove. 

Suspended,  I'll  dangle  in  air ; 
A  victim  to  delicate  love, 

lu  Dyott-street,  Bloomshury  square.  [Exit,  l. 

Enter  Bombastes,*  preceded  hy  a  Fifer, playing  ^'Michael 
Wiggins." 

Bom.  Gentle  musician,  let  thy  dulcet  strain 
Proceed — play  Micliael  Wiggins  once  ao^ain, — 
Music's  the  food  of  love ;  give  o'er,  give  o'er. 
For  I  must  batten  on  that  food  no  more.  [Exit  Flfer 

INIy  happiness  is  changed  to  doleful  dumps. 
Whilst,  merry  Michael,  all  thy  cards  were  tnirape. 
So,  should  some  youth,  by  fortune's  blest  decrees, 
Possess  at  least  a  pound  of  Cheshire  cheese, 

•  TliR  remainder  of  the  part  of  Bombastes  is  usually  psribrmed  in  9  oviraiDa 
gown  and  slippers.  »-        • 


CEHE  IV.]  BOMBASTES    FURIOSO.  15 

And  bent  some  favored  party  to  regale, 

Lay  in  a  kilderkin  or  so  of  ale ; 

Lo  !  angry  fate,  in  one  unlucky  hour, 

Some  hungry  rats  may  all  the  cheese  devour. 

And  the  loud  thunder  turn  the  liquor  sour. 

[Forms  his  sash  into  a  nsese. 

Alas  !  alack  !  alack  !  and  virell-a-day, 

That  ever  man  should  make  himself  avs^ay ; 

That  ever  man  for  woman  false  should  die. 

As  many  have,  and  so,  and  so — won't  I ; 

No,  I'll  go  mad  !  'gainst  all  I'll  vent  my  rage, 

And  with  this  wicked  wanton  world  a  woful  war  I'll  wage. 

[Hangs  his  boots  to  the  arm  of  a  tree,  and  taking  a 

scrap  of  paper,  with  a  pencil  writes  the  following 

couplet,  which   he   attaches   to   them,  repeating  tht 

words. 

"  Who  dares  this  pair  of  boots  displace, 

Must  meet  Bombastes  face  to  face." 

Thus  do  I  challenge  all  the  human  race. 
«  [Draws  his  sword  and  retires  up  the  Stage. 

Enter  Artaxominous,  l. 

Art.  Scorning  my  proffered  hand  he  frowning  fled, 
Cursed  the  fair  maid,  and  shook  his  angry  head. 

[Perceives  the  boots  and  label. 
*'  Who  dares  this  pair  of  boots  displace, 
Must  meet  Bombastes  face  to  face." 
Ha  !  dost  thou  dare  me,  vile  obnoxious  elf; 
I'll  make  thy  threats  as  bootless  as  thyself; 
Where'er  thou  ait,  with  speed  prepare  to  go 
Where  I  shall  send  thee — to  the  shades  below ! 

[Knocks  down  the  boots. 

Bom.  [Coming  forward.]  So  have  I  heard  on  Afric's 
burning  shore 
A  hungry  lion  give  a  grievous  roar ; 
The  grievous  roar  echoed  along  the  shore. 

Art.  So  have  I  heard  on  Afric's  burning  shore 
i^nother  lion  give  a  grievous  roar. 
And  the  first  lion  thought  the  last  a  bore. 

Bom.  Am  I  then  mocked  ?     Now  by  my  fame  I  swear 
You  shall  have  it — There  !  [  Thei/  fight. 

Art.  Where  ] 


10  BOMBASTES    FURIOSO.  [Act  I 

Bom.  There,  and  there. 

Art.  I  have  it,  sure  enough — Oh  ;  I  am  slain ; 
I'd  give  a  pot  of  beer  to  live  again  : 
Yet,  ere  1  die,  I  something  have  to  say  : 
My  once  loved  Gen'ral,  prithee,  come  this  vs^ay ! 
Oh  !  oh  !  my  Bom —  \Falls  on  his  hack. 

Bom.  — bastes  he  would  have  said  ; 
But  ere  the  word  was  out  his  breath  was  fled. 
Well,  peace  be  with  him,  his  untimely  doom 
Shall  be  thus  marked  upon  his  costly  tomb : 
"  Fate  cropped  him  short — for,  be  it  understood, 
"  He  would  have  lived  much  longer — if  he  could." 

\Retircs  again  up  the  stage 

Enter  Fusbos,  l. 

Fus.  This  was  the  way  they  came,  and  much  I  fear. 
There's  mischief  in  the  wind — what  have  we  here  % 
King  Artaxominous  bereft  of  life  1 
Here'll  be  a  pretty  tale  to  tell  his  wife. 

Bo7n.  A  pretty  tale,  but  not  for  thee  to  tell, 
For  thou  shalt  quickly  follow  him  to  hell ; 
There  say  I  sent  thee,  and  I  hope  he's  well. 

Fus.  No,  thou  thyself  shalt  thy  own  message  bear; 
Short  is  the  journey,  thou  wilt  soon  be  there.  [They Jig ht, 

*  DUET. 

Air — "  Weij>pei-l^s  Fancy." 

Bom.  I'll  quickly  run  you  through. 

Fus.  No,  hang  me,  if  you  do! 

I  think  I  know  a  trick  can  equal  two  of  that ; 

My  sword  I  well  can  use, 

So  mind  your  P's  and  Q,  s. 
Bom,    I  thank  you,  sir ;  but  I  must  caution  you  of  that 

Air — ''Lord  CathcarVs  Favorite.'" 

Fus  'Tis  a  pleasure  to  fight 

With  a  man  so  polite, 
Then  hear  in  return  what  I'll  do,  sir ; 
I'll  take  down  aught  you'll  say 
In  the  will-making  way, 
And  be  your  executor,  too,  sir. 

*  This  duct  is  sanictimes  omitted. 


BeSNS  IV.]  BOMBASTES    FURIOSO.  17 

Bom.  Oh,  sir,  there's  no  need 

For  so  friendly  a  deed, 
But  I  hope  for  yourself  you're  provided  j 

Since  your  worldly  affairs 

Will  devolve  to  your  heirs, 
As  soon  as  the  point  is  decided, 

Then  come  on  while  you  can, 

Meet  your  fate  like  a  man — 
Bomhastes  shall  ne'er  be  derided. 

Bom.  Oh,  Fusbos,  Fusbos,  I  am  diddled  quite, 
Dark  clouds  come  o'er  my  eyes,  farewell,  good  night ! 
Good  night,  my  cock,  my  soul's  inclined  to  roam. 
So  make  ray  compliments  to  all  at  home. 

[Lies  down  by  the  King. 

Fus.  And  o'er  thy  grave  a  monument  shall  rise, 
Where  heroes  yet  unborn  shall  feast  their  eyes ; 
And  this  short  epitaph  that  speaks  thy  fame, 
Shall  also  there  immortalize  my  name  : 
"  Here  lies  Bombastes,  stout  of  heart  and  limb. 
Who  conquered  all  but  Fusbos — Fusbos  him." 

Enter  Distaffina,  l. 

Dis.  Ah,  wretched  maid  !  oh,  miserab  e  fate  ! 
I've  just  arrived  in  time  to  be  too  late; 
What  now  shall  hapless  Distaffina  do  ? 
Curse  on  all  morning  dreams,  they  come  so  true. 

Fus.  Go,  beauty,  go,  thou  source  of  wo  to  man, 
And  get  another  lover  where  you  can  : 
The  crown  now  sits  on  Griskinissa's  head ; 
To  her  I'll  go— 

Dis.  Bui  are  you  sure  they're  dead  ? 

Ftu.  Yes,  dead  as  herrings — herrings  that  are  red. 

FINALE. 

J)it.  Briny  tears  I'll  shed. 

Art.  [Rising.]      I  for  joy  shall  cry,  too  : 
Fus.  Zounds  !  the  King's  alive  ; 

BoTn.    [Rising.]    Yes,  and  so  am  I  too. 

Dis.  It  was  better  far 

Art.  Thus  to  check  all  sorrow; 


18  BOMBASTES    FURIOSO.  ACT  1 

Fus.  But,  if  some  folks  please, 

Bom.  We'll  die  again  to-raorrow. 

Dis,  Tu  ral,  lu  ral,  la, 
Art.  Tu  lal,  lu  ral,  laddi ; 

Fus.  Tu  ral,  lu  ral,  la, 
Bern.  Tu  ral,  lu  ral,  laddi. 

f  Ther/  take  hands  and  dance  round  repeating  Ckorut, 

THE   BND. 


UC  SOUTHERN 

III 

AA 


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